Introduction:
In October 2020, I decided to shift my career to finance, which triggered a lot of emotions in me, especially in the past few years. I struggled with small things that nobody seemed to worry about, wondering if I was alone in feeling different and out of place. I used to love drinking and socialising, but I realized I needed to prioritise my health, optimising my exercise, food, and sleep. Although I was once a workaholic, I had to take a step back to learn new things and adjust to a new job. While my journey in finance was not permanent, my critical thinking skills, and the ability to question hypotheses, and find answers to problems have positively impacted other aspects of my life, such as my investment portfolio.
Emotional Triggers:
My career change was also a catalyst for me to process the emotional scars from my childhood. Growing up in a chaotic and turbulent home, I often felt sad and unhappy, and I did not understand why. One EMDR session helped me remember that I had stored those memories away until I was strong enough to process them. My experience in finance reawakened those memories and coupled with the betrayal of my paternal family, I had a hard time in my emotional space. As a result, I decided to explore my spirituality, discovering intergenerational pain passed from past generations. I realised that some "dark secrets" were around money that my family refused to acknowledge, and the problems worsened with ignorance and a lack of intellectual abilities. Instead of taking responsibility, my family often resorted to name-calling and fact-twisting, which perpetuated their misery.
Inner Peace:
I learned that the highest form of yoga nidra is to let people and things be without judgment, recognising that one cannot change others, only oneself. Despite my external circumstances, I realized that I could control my emotional well-being, and nobody could affect me adversely unless I allowed it. However, this was still just an intellectual theory, and I needed to learn how to train my inner self to reach a state of inner peace.
"When the student is ready, the teacher appears."
After learning a lot about the inner state and the triggers, I had a break from my previous job. It felt like I have learned all I needed to and it was time to move on.
I was very tired mentally, physically, and emotionally, and I took almost a 2 months break at home just resting. I did one on one courses on inner child, shadow work as well as feminine and masculine energy. I used the time to set my finances into order, to see how many months I could take it easy, and then some time to recalibrate the goals I had set for myself in the early 2020s. I used the time to eat healthily, connect with good friends, and work on my volunteering.
It was a chance encounter with a spiritual teacher on ClassPass that led me to do my first 10-day Vipassana silent retreat.
My 10-Day Vipassana Silent Retreat
I felt called to do it, and I never back down from an adventure. I signed up for an upcoming one just a week before the course started, and within 1-2 days, I was confirmed. I was extremely lucky or it could be fated.
I had never been able to keep quiet for more than an hour prior to this so I did not know how I was going to take it. The teacher, SN Goenka, explained during the Day 1 discourse that Days 1 to 3 would be most difficult for some because some people might feel like running away. When there are no external distractors, no one else to talk to, no sensual entertainment, when one is sitting in silence, the only distractor is oneself and one's mind.
I was extremely eager to see what kind of thoughts and what kind of inner dialogue would surface in myself and these 10 days in silence were a Godsend.
Meditation is about the hardest thing that we did on the retreat, we meditate almost 10 hours a day following a schedule. We wake up at 4.30 am each day and lights off by around 9.30 pm each night. We could not leave the meditation center premises and the servers and our teacher who are non-paid volunteers took care of us immensely making sure in their full capacity that we were comfortable every day to focus fully on our meditation. Some people asked me if it was tough - NO, not at all. Life is great! Imagine coming to a camp like this for free (because you are supposed to live like a monk or a nun and you cannot pay for your own entry) and then eating well every day (I took seconds for all my meals) and then just focusing on meditation and nothing else, THIS IS THE DREAM LIFE.
I could do this for the rest of my life. Bliss and drama free.
I did have a lot of reservations about joining this; a few nights before the course started, I decided to google other people's reviews of this 10-day Vipassana course. Almost everyone said it was hard.
My honest take is that it is hard if a person goes in with a very harsh inner critic. For example, there are 3 times a day for an hour each where we practice an hour of strong determination. For that hour, we sit still and do not open our arms or legs and practice either Anapana or Vipassana depending on which day and what we are being instructed.
If one goes in wanting perfection, the ability to sit still for an hour or more during one's first few meditations, then one is headed for failure. Unless a person has been practicing meditation cross-legged for many years, most people adjust themselves a few times in one sitting and that is fine, no one is keeping score. For most parts, one acknowledges that he or she has moved and then tries to sit still a little longer the next time. There is no one else judging except oneself, everyone else keeps their eyes closed and minds their own business in the Dhamma Hall. In addition, if one can keep still during meditation hours but continuously have a wandering mind, then that person is not practicing the right techniques, however, no one else would know except oneself. The assistant teacher is always there to answer questions that one might have during meditation, the onus is on oneself to clarify that one is practicing the right thing - a lot of it is self-discipline.
For me, days 5 to 7 were harder than the rest; because I remembered my childhood memories; the very ones I stored in cold storage. Those hit me during meditation hours and then in the nighttime as well, as the memories flooded back, I kept crying.
The biggest revelation was about myself; and how I was led to believe in a very negative narrative about myself from a young age. That narrative is not true - it's almost like keeping the young elephant tethered to a leg chain and then when the young elephant grew up and could break free easily was unable to due to past conditioning. I had grown up believing a narrative that I am a bad person and that I was made to believe that my words were untrue each time I try to speak up for myself or the rest of the family. Each incident from my childhood replayed in my mind during Vipassana. Now standing as an observer, I gained many new perspectives.
I watched the incidents play out from 3 perspectives to be exact; I saw it from a third party's perspective, I saw it from my father's perspective, and I also saw it from my grandmother's perspective. We all see reality through our own filters. My father's filters distort the true reality and keep him "guilt-free" and "responsibility-free" by blaming others for anything that did not go the way he wanted. My grandmother was the easy victim because she always admitted to everything being her fault. I became the biggest bad person in my father's eyes because I always pointed out that solutions are very easy - just take personal responsibility and the 'problem(s)' will be solved.
I practice what I preach; especially the part about taking personal responsibility. As a result, I live a pretty nice and decent life right now.
As I saw the incidents unfold in my mind, and watch my father's and my grandmother's actions, I also saw massive ignorance in them. Things could improve, of course, but it depends on the individual to want to change.
I learned about my family members, and I also learned a lot about myself.
For the first time in my life, I realised that I am indeed a kind, generous, compassionate soul. I also found out that I was deeply loved and protected as a young child, by my grandmother and hence I developed very deep bonds with her.
The relationship with my grandmother went downhill as I got older as my father fed us with falsehoods about my grandmother; he blamed her for every mistake in his life. However bad she was portrayed by my father, she had very good traits such as determination, perseverance, and discipline. I was not a bright child when I was young, but I had very good qualities such as not giving up easily and these could have been gotten from my grandmother. My grandmother appeared eccentric to the world, to her own family, and even to her own children, but this is a test for others to learn not to judge people based on skin-deep assumptions.
I finally understood why I felt strongly about protecting her last year as she was on her deathbed. She did her best as a parent and a grandparent to provide a safe environment for me and her family and she did provide them with the basic resources to succeed, but she was limited because she never had an education.
It is different for my father's generation and my generation where we were given opportunities to excel.
I did not have the brightest parents whilst growing up but as a responsible adult and with resources I could tap on all around, I was able to myself well and to strive to be the best version of myself each day. As a result of taking personal responsibility for my own actions, I make things happen in my life. When life presents its opportunities, I am ready to grasp them. When life presents teachers, I follow them, I follow their teachings. That search also led me to Vipassana.
Vipassana offers the way. It is non-sectarian and non-religious. It is non-judgmental, and it has helped to reform countless hardened criminals in India's most notorious prisons. When one practices Vipassana, one's ego melts away, and one also becomes more observant and less reactive to pleasant and unpleasant sensations. It does not make one passive, when one feels the need to take action, it will be skillful action, not just a blind reaction.
The transformation is from within; the Kingdom of Heaven is within, and the Truth can be experienced from within.
What it means for me
It has been about 2 weeks since I came back from my Vipassana. There are definitely people who just delight in stepping on other people's nerves; however, life has changed for me because I gained a new understanding that if someone offers me a gift of abuse, of bad intentions, I could ignore them and in doing so, the gift stays with them.
Just practicing Anapana itself helps to keep the mind calm and this has helped raise many good ideas and inspirations especially when the mind is quiet. I used that to improve my home furnishings, even earned a Tableau certification on Monday, and then spend time working on my business.
I see the immediate benefits from just attending one course like this; and I am working on making it a habit to meditate twice a day, 1 hour in the morning and 1 hour in the evening. This course has been a huge eye-opener for me in re-affirming the things I have known in my life, they could have been acquired in past lives, which I do not know. I did not see my past lives the way Gotama the Buddha did, but what I know is that this is a start of a deeper spiritual journey.
Once your mind is opened to a new reality, you can never go back to the old ways.
Let's see what the future brings. :)
I made a donation to the Vipassana course because I believe in it. This is my largest single overseas donation yet.
I commit to returning to a silent retreat at least once every year.
May all beings be Truly HAPPY.
